ORLANDO | FLORIDA

The Orlando Theme Park Guide for People Who Hate Theme Parks

By Rebecca Thompson | Sept. 2, 2025

AUTHOR BIO: Rebecca Thompson has held many jobs over the years, from daily newspaper writer to middle-school math teacher. As a restaurant critic, she’s eaten at everything from the Michelin starred to the stand-up counters in the back of gas stations.

When I married a woman from Orlando, I knew I was marrying into two things: a family that debates Publix subs like they’re constitutional law, and a city obsessed with theme parks. My wife worked at Disney in high school, will gladly sing the “It’s a Small World” song at any moment, and genuinely lights up walking down Main Street, U.S.A. Now that we have a son in elementary school, every time we’re back in Orlando, a theme park visit is non-negotiable.

The problem is: I despise them. Or at least I did. The crowds, the lines, the manufactured cheerfulness—it all seemed like a migraine waiting to happen. But after years of being dragged through turnstiles, I’ve learned that some parks are more tolerable than others, even—dare I say—actually enjoyable in their own right.

Here are 12 Orlando theme parks, as appreciated by someone who would rather be anywhere else, but has finally figured out how to actually have fun at theme parks.

Animal Kingdom

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

This is the one park that feels the least like a park. Wander through the trails, catch sight of giraffes on the safari, and you can almost trick yourself into thinking you’re at a zoo with better snacks.

Best for: People who like animals and shade more than roller coasters

Discovery Cove

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

The anti–theme park theme park boasts capped attendance, no screaming rides, and the chance to swim with dolphins or just float down a lazy river. It feels more like a beach resort than an Orlando attraction.

Best for: Parents who need a breather and introverts who like controlled nature

EPCOT

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

Half the park is rides, yes, but the other half is essentially a food and wine crawl through 11 countries. My wife loves the nostalgia; I love the fact that I can drink sake in Japan and end the night with grappa in Italy.

Best for: People who measure vacations in cocktails

Fun Spot America

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

It’s smaller, cheaper, and unapologetically old-school—think go-karts, wooden coasters, and carnival rides that look like they were ordered from a catalog in 1985. Weirdly, that makes it charming.

Best for: Anyone nostalgic for county fairs and parking-lot carnivals

Gatorland

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

Billing itself as the “Alligator Capital of the World,” this is part roadside attraction, part reptile zoo. It’s campy, it’s kitschy, and your kid will never forget watching hundreds of gators piled into a lagoon.

Best for: Families who secretly enjoy Florida’s love of the bizarre

Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge Disney World Orlando

Hollywood Studios

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

It’s chaos, but if you’ve ever seen a Star Wars movie, stepping into Galaxy’s Edge is goosebump territory. Even a cynic can admit the Millennium Falcon looks pretty convincing in the Florida sun.

Best for: Movie buffs and reluctant spouses with sci-fi weaknesses.

ICON Park

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

Technically not a park in the Disney sense, ICON is a cluster of rides, restaurants, and a 400-foot Ferris wheel. In a city with touristy attractions, this one is set to 11, but the wheel views of the city at sunset just might serve as the backdrop of your favorite Orlando vacation photo.

Best for: People who like their thrills quick, cheap, and photogenic

LEGOLAND Florida

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

An hour south of Orlando, Legolando isn’t a place you can skip if you’ve got a kid obsessed by those plastic building blocks. For adults, it’s tolerable mainly because you can appreciate the engineering of life-sized Lego cities.

Best for: Parents resigned to stepping on Legos anyway

Magic Kingdom

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

Yes, it’s the most crowded, most chaotic of the parks. But if you’re taking your kid to Orlando, your friends from the school drop-off line are going to ask if you went. At least there's an app now, My Disney Experience, that'll help with online food ordering and checking wait times for rides, and I’ll attest that getting there early (they call it “rope drop”), will mean a whole lot less stroller barricades everywhere you go. Besides, seeing Disney through your kid’s eyes—the castle, the fireworks, the college kid dressed up like a princess—just might soften even the hardest skeptic.

Best for: Parents who know they have one job to do while Orlando

SeaWorld Orlando

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

Apparently to answer the free-the-whales types like me, SeaWorld has begun to shift its focus from finned performers toward thrill rides. That makes this more tolerable as a roller-coaster park with aquariums and guilt-ridden killer whale shows on the side.

Best for: Thrill seekers who also want to stare at otters

Universal Islands of Adventure

$$$$$ | MAP | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

This is home to Harry Potter, which, if you can survive the butterbeer lines, makes the whole three-digit ticket price worth it. Even if you’ve never read the books, the attention to detail is immersive enough to quiet the cynic in you.

Best for: Any parent who’s spent bedtime reading with Harry